Wednesday, July 31, 2013

10 Travelers You Will See at the Airport

10 Travelers You Will See at the Airport

10. The Speedwalker:
Move that suitcase that you’re rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ to the gate or get steamrolled by the Speedwalker. Maybe they are overly excited to see whoever’s at the end of their Baggage Claimed Rainbow, but Speedwalkers are one second away from going all Super Mario hopped up on Star Power.

9. The Corporate Businessman:Has one or more of the following: Super Shiny Shoes (that get super-shined at the super shiny shoe booth); a Starbucks cup; a Blackberry used to echo Big Business Buzzwords like “strategic” and “connect later” or “engage offline.”

8. The College-Breakers:Usually in big groups during the months of December and March/April. Wears shirts that read RAGE or sweatpants that say PINK. Their sole purpose is to get drunk and make bad decisions because what happens in Vegas-Cabo-Cancun-Ft.Lauderdale stays there. Sure, it does. Sure. 

7. The Parent-and-Toddler Combo:
A sweet and Sour Patch-Kid mix of rebellion and anxiety, the toddler explores airport trash bins while the parent follows, scared his or her bundle of curious joy will be whisked away by a pedophile. Watch out for leashes on these kids, folks.

6.  The Person With A Thousand Things:Going through airport security can be stressful, but it’s an EXTRA LENGTHY, stressful process for Mr. or Mrs. Lots O’ Things. Not only do they need to take off their laced shoes, but their belts, their loads of jewelry, and unload the pockets, their laptop, the purse. There goes the liquids, then oops! they need the ID in the wallet in the pocket of the purse in that bin. Be patient, young grasshopper. Your time to take off your shoes will come.

5. The Fearful Flyer:
During take-off, the Fearful Flyers stare straight ahead or close their eyes to stop themselves from seeing the plane go up, up, and away because they are envisioning their lives spiraling down, down, down into flames. They can freak you out so much that you, too, will start to imagine your fiery, plane crash death. Watch out for white faces, sweaty palms, clenched arm rests.

4. The Talker:“What do you do?” “Are you from Oklahoma?” “Who are you visiting?” The Talker wants to know every aspect of your life and in turn, they can share a little bit too much of their own lives. Prepare yourself with headphones and a good fake-sleep strategy.

3. The Sleeper:The opposite of the Talker, the Sleeper is out cold before the plane even gets off the ground. Sleepers need to catch a few winks before conversing with the family they haven’t seen in 20 years in Nebraska. No complimentary pretzels or drinks for the Sleeper.

2. The Model:Get your cameras ready, because the Model believes the plane is not the only thing going down a runway. The Model struts down the airport terminal in six-inch heels and a mini skirt, wearing red lipstick that matches the color of the men’s faces as she walks by. Don’t trip on that moving sidewalk, girl. Werk.

1. The Sickee:
You hear The Sickees before you see them, all hacking cough and is-the-devil-coming-out-of-their-noses? sneezing. With their tissues and watery eyes, Sickees are probably a reason Howie Mandel won’t shake hands with people. Load up on vitamins ASAP after this flight. Orange juice is our friend.

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